with mixed feelings, I say goodbye 2010

If you know me, you know 2010 has been one of the worst years I can remember. If you are a blog reader, you know bits and pieces. I prefer not to share the rest publicly. I know this has been a painful year for many of my relatives and friends too. So I'm glad to see this year end, I hope for brighter and healthier times for family ad friends. But saying goodbye is sad too. There is something about moving on to 2011 and leaving dad behind in 2010 that feels terribly final to me. I hope everyone has a reason to smile every single day of the New Year.

hello....it's been awhile

I guess today is as good as any other day to come back to blogging. Tomorrow is New Year's Eve. Part of me can't wait. I so want this year to be over. Part of me is terrified. It has been 6 months to the day since my dad fell. Monday will mark 6 months since he died. Although I cannot wait for the fresh start of a new year, I feel so much pain that we will move on to 2011 with out him. It's like we are moving forward, leaving him behind. I remember the day he died, as I curled up in bed to try and rest after sitting with him so many hours, my thoughts kept coming back to 6 months. 6 months from now dad will have missed so many birthdays. Chris, Hannah, Mom, David, Joe, Eli and mine. he will have missed 4th of July and Halloween. Thanksgiving and Christmas. And New Years. As I cried that day I thought to myself "how will I ever get past all of these events knowing all he is missing"? Yet, somehow, I have. We all have. I have been distracted by many things since his passing....my friend Joni becoming very ill and needing a pacemaker. Her recovery. The remodeling of the home my parents shared. The new life I am trying to breathe into my business. All of these things have helped me forget for tiny periods of time. But still at night, 6 months would creep into my mind. I guess it has a hold on me because at this point he has missed everything he would have enjoyed. The birthday's, the Holidays. The next 6 months are quiet in comparison. And, I know there is no option but to try and not look at it as if we are leaving him behind. We are going on with life. As we are meant to do. So I will try to embrace 2011 as a fresh beginning. A new start as opposed to an end.

Sick friend

BABE

I got into the BABE (no, not pig in the city) show! I'm very excited! details later!

new and improved studio!

in the midst of having some kind of cold/headache/low grade fever thing I have been re-working my studio. of course this is a painfully slow process when you only get tiny bursts of energy. the time had come to make my studio (aka: the cave, the closet, the hole etc.) more functional. peg board seemed to be the answer which required a trip to home depot. I am NOT a home depot person. I know some people really look forward to their little hardware fixes. not me. so I had big plans (and way too much stuff to make it possible) to get organized. I have done the best I can and will have to live with the results until the next wave of "I need to organize my cave"hits.

In other news the incredible Cathi Milligan opened her glass studio this past weekend. It is called "The Glass Studio" and is in Los Angeles. if you're in the area check it out:

5052 York Blvd

Highland Park

323 257 0764

of course I missed the big grand opening wing-ding because of my sniffles but I have heard it was a huge success! congratulations Cathi! love you bunches!

I also missed the arrival and departure of the amazingly talented Sylvie Lansdowne (aka: the wonder twin) in her California appearance. this was also a big disappointment as we had big plans to get into Sylvie/Stacey trouble. Sylvie! come back!

Lastly, the bronze queen herself, Cris Leonard was also here in Cali hanging out in beautiful Cambria, another missed chance on my part. Cris, I am so bummed. would have loved to see you and Paul. next time, ok?

so that about wraps up this past week. oh, and Hannah started 10th grade today so the whirlwind of school begins again. usually I mourn the end of summer but not this time. summer sucked so I happily kick it in the ass and say bye bye. no fault of yours Hannah. sorry you have to suffer the consequences. but you have learnin' to do and I have mental repairs that need to take place. haha!

lookin' up!

I am beginning to feel a little more like "me" again. Last Thursday was the 2 month mark since my dad died and it was a tough day. But the weekend was good and I feel the clouds moving a bit. The weather is cooler, which always makes me a happy camper. Spent the weekend making beads. Skulls and flowers and toggles all in bright happy hippy skippy colors. We BBQ'd which isn't my fav, but it does mean I'M NOT THE COOK! That's enough to make me smile. More time for beads! I'm hoping my new torch will be coming soon (cross your fingers) I'm ready for hotter fire flame! Whoo Hoo!

not another headache

i can feel it creeping up. just a little squeeze on my temples. and it's still hot outside which doesn't help. I have hit a low point the last few days and struggle to come to terms with how my life has changed since the beginning of 2010. almost entirely in negative ways. so I realize I need to find a way to make the negatives into new positives. I thought re-vamping my business was the answer but I see now it was only a distraction. nothing seems to make sense to me. I can't help but nurse that "what did I do to deserve this" attitude. I think, for now, it's time to take a nap.

too damn hot

why do people like hot weather? I don't get it. being hot sucks. and it's not just because I am a woman "of that age". tho I am. I am also a notorious sweater. no, not sweater like "I'm cold, let me get a sweater". I mean person of over active sweat glands. don't get me wrong, I am very clean and I use deoderant/anti-perspirant. I smell just fine. but I still sweat. a lot. anything over 78 degrees and I get a tad fussy. over 85? I'm pissy. but over 90? oh, hell no! I can't stand it. growing up in California you'd think I was used to this. You'd think, huh? no. why do people prefer this to cold weather? I didn't grow up with snow so I can't compare but being sweaty makes me unhappy. i guess shoveling snow would too. well, today was 99 here. yes, I'm bitchy and I choose to use my blog to bitch. 'nuff said.

Sitting, waiting, wishing

a day free from dumpsters! aka: whoo hoo!

yesterday was D day part 2. we came, we filled, we left. no more dumpsters for a few weeks now. which is good news for me. to celebrate, I got on the torch today. that's right, I made beads. not many, I must admit. but it felt good. after a few hours playing with melty, gooey glass we went out for awhile. poked around in a few stores, then went for dinner at Lucille's. Lucille's is the best BBQ place we have around and although I'm not a HUGE meat fan, every once in awhile I just have to have a meat meal. as if that wasn't enough, we then went and loaded up on huge containers of fro yo at Yogurtland. Yogurtland is like a drug. It is a terrible, evil place of various yogurt flavors and toppings. once you start there is no turning back. right Joni? am I right? so, i gotta go now and suffer from the tummy ache I SO deserve!

dumpster day / part one

wow. how fast can 2 people fill up an entire dumpster to the tippy top? about an hour. that's what David (my son) and I did today at my mom's house. we filled it so fast, the dumpster company is coming to pick it up tomorrow and bring an empty one. and we will be back. tomorrow. to fill it too. it was a morning filled with bag after bag of receipts, birthday cards, newspapers, business cards etc. I don't think my dad ever threw away a piece of paper that came into his hands. it makes me re-think all the junk I have stashed away. it might be time to simplify. AFTER I finish at mom's, that is.

thoughts of dad

my dad and I in 1971

today it has been 4 weeks since I walked into my dad's hospital room to say goodbye for the last time. it's all so amazingly difficult and hard to explain. I have lost grandparents (all of them) aunts, uncles and in 8th grade, a fellow classmate. nothing comes close to this. we were a small family and lived in a smaller house on a little street in a town that didn't even have a restaurant when my parents bought the house. that was Huntington Beach, California. that little house cost $14,000. a huge amount to my parents back then. the house hadn't even been built when they signed their names on the dotted lines. I lived in that house, with my parents, until I was 24. how do you ever say goodbye to someone you lived with for half your life. how do you reconcile all the missed opportunities to visit, listen to stories, just plain listen. I know they say to live each day as though it's your last. does anyone ever do that? how could you live your life clinging on to every person you love just to go to the store? obviously, that is not realistic. but I wish I had been a better daughter in so many ways. it never occurred to me that at 81 he was old. he never seemed old. he was always laughing, cracking the same jokes he had cracked since my brother and I were small. I know he knew I loved him. I don't think there was any question about that. I guess maybe I never knew just how much until now. I feel like the pain will just split me open some days. others are more of a constant ache. I would do anything to have one more moment with him. just one. I don't think anyone can understand what losing a parent does to you. it is in fact losing a huge portion of who you are. how am I to accept that part of me no longer exists?

the fair - highlights!

ferris wheel
I feel sick just looking at it!

hannah and sara risk their lives!

my dinner!
fair food!
after avoiding the fair for close to 20 years I finally returned last night. it must have be twice the size it used to be. big scary rides, tons of animals and exhibits. the food was huge and disgusting, just like fair food should be. the biggest change I noticed (besides the general size of the place) was the absence of carnies. no carnies. anywhere. what IS a fair or carnival without carnies. working behind every booth I saw teenagers looking bored and making plans for after work over their customers heads. where was the shouting? the belittling? the out and out begging for you to "come give it a try" and "win the little lady one of these cute blue bunnies"?

it's a sad, sad day when teenagers can no longer stick to fast food places for summer jobs and have to take the jobs of innocent carnies.

On my way to the OC fair. Pics and a stomach ache soon to follow.

Oh boy!

new etsy!

today I am unveiling my new etsy store front:http://www.etsy.com/shop/lowtideandlemonpie

I hope it's well liked. It's kind of my baby, connecting me to my childhood in some personal ways. I think it says a lot about me. even if nobody gets it but me..haha! I am gonna try to stay on top of it adding new things at least weekly. that alone will be a HUGE change.

in other "my life" news, David has left for Catalina Island to camp out with the Bison and 2 of his friends. they're gonna do some snorkeling and hiking. driving them out to San Pedro this morning was weird. that whole area down there is so UGLY! doesn't seem to fit with the rest of So. Cal. anyway I can't believe he won't be back until Friday. I know, it's only a couple days...but that kid keeps me laughing and I'll miss him. be safe David!

it's a new hair day

after weeks of looking drab and sad, today is the day I'm gonna start pulling myself together. at least that is my intention. I gave myself a little pedicure this morning and did some exfoliating on my face. this afternoon I have an appointment with my personal (well ok, she does have other clients too) hair genie, Melissa. Melissa....work your magic baby! I put my head in your hands and beg of you "help"!

starting over

well here I go again. it is true that I am one of "those" people. I like change. as a kid I looked forward to the first day of school as much as the last day. I like to move, change cars, chop of my hair then grow it long. I have been thinking a lot lately about being a kid. I miss it. I think it's true that my friends and family would agree I have resisted growing up and maturing for a very long time. I mean, I'm 47 (almost 48....shhhhhh) and still love those stupid comedies geared towards 14 year old boys. I make jewelry and glass beads (the ultimate in playing with "crayons") as my profession. But lately, after somewhat of a traumatic year I've been thinking about my childhood. It's interesting to see how it has shaped who I am, what I love (and hate) and my art. as a kid art was my life. I could sit in my room for hours drawing and listening to the radio. but it's not like I didn't have friends. our whole block was made up of kids and we could entertain ourselves around the neighborhood for hours. but I think what shaped me the most and had the most influence on my art was living so near to the beach. I grew up in Huntington Beach, California. we practically lived at the beach (or the even closer bay) all summer. It was tradition to go to the beach on New Years day. we went crab digging and watched grunion run. most of us covered ourselves in iodine and baby oil under the belief you would tan quicker. not my brother and I tho, we had to use the highest SPF (what was it then? 4 maybe?) of coppertone because my dad said the sun wasn't good for your skin. coppertone didn't smell nearly as cool and yummy as Hawaiian Tropic. so, I definitely grew up with sand between my toes and a rockin' tan (despite dad's efforts). this was also a time of surfing, skateboards, bogeyboards and body surfing. I began making jewelry at about 10. gee, that would be 1972. anyway, I did a lot of cool macrame, shells, wood and ceramics. and because I have been spending so much time thinking about all this (and there are tons more memories, but that's for a different day) I decided my jewelry business needed to reflect where I come from. I wanted a beach vibe and this explains the change. my business is now changed from stars by stacey to Lowtide and Lemon Pie. the colors are changing too. I am hoping my customers will get more of a feel of who I am with these changes. because being a kid in Huntington Beach in the 70's was fantastic. and I plan to hold on to my childhood as long as possible. thanks mom and dad, you picked a beautiful place to raise my brother and I.

as a side note I do want to add that although I have been thinking about these changes for awhile now, they come with a very sad and kind of ironic twist. my dad passed away on July 3 2010. so in a lot of ways, this is for you dad.