Friday, December 31, 2010

with mixed feelings, I say goodbye 2010

If you know me, you know 2010 has been one of the worst years I can remember. If you are a blog reader, you know bits and pieces. I prefer not to share the rest publicly. I know this has been a painful year for many of my relatives and friends too. So I'm glad to see this year end, I hope for brighter and healthier times for family ad friends. But saying goodbye is sad too. There is something about moving on to 2011 and leaving dad behind in 2010 that feels terribly final to me. I hope everyone has a reason to smile every single day of the New Year.

Thursday, December 30, 2010's been awhile

I guess today is as good as any other day to come back to blogging. Tomorrow is New Year's Eve. Part of me can't wait. I so want this year to be over. Part of me is terrified. It has been 6 months to the day since my dad fell. Monday will mark 6 months since he died. Although I cannot wait for the fresh start of a new year, I feel so much pain that we will move on to 2011 with out him. It's like we are moving forward, leaving him behind. I remember the day he died, as I curled up in bed to try and rest after sitting with him so many hours, my thoughts kept coming back to 6 months. 6 months from now dad will have missed so many birthdays. Chris, Hannah, Mom, David, Joe, Eli and mine. he will have missed 4th of July and Halloween. Thanksgiving and Christmas. And New Years. As I cried that day I thought to myself "how will I ever get past all of these events knowing all he is missing"? Yet, somehow, I have. We all have. I have been distracted by many things since his friend Joni becoming very ill and needing a pacemaker. Her recovery. The remodeling of the home my parents shared. The new life I am trying to breathe into my business. All of these things have helped me forget for tiny periods of time. But still at night, 6 months would creep into my mind. I guess it has a hold on me because at this point he has missed everything he would have enjoyed. The birthday's, the Holidays. The next 6 months are quiet in comparison. And, I know there is no option but to try and not look at it as if we are leaving him behind. We are going on with life. As we are meant to do. So I will try to embrace 2011 as a fresh beginning. A new start as opposed to an end.