Sum-yum-er

I confess. Hello, my name is stacey and I am a frozen coke addict. No not coke, like cocaine, frozen coca cola. I have been doing it for years. Sneaking half filled cans into the freezer (to full? Oops! They bubble over in frozen goopy delight) buying special freezing mugs, and going mental if the local gas station is featuring coke as a slurpee flavor. The night of my 10 year class reunion I had a coke slurpee and a pop tart for dinner knowing that whatever chicken slop was served I wasn't going to eat. After all these years it occurred to me a snow cone machine and a jug of coke syrup might be the way to go. Oh my! An addict making her own supply. Goodbye coffee in the morning! Goodbye Popsicles after dinner! Hello beautiful white snow drizzled in dark sticky coke syrup. Oh the joy. Combine that with now having access to a pool whenever I want....see you in the winter peeps!

all good things.....

isn't that the saying?  all good things must come to an end?  do bad things HAVE to come to an end too (I hope!)?  I have had many things come to an end in the last few years. Some things I've struggled and suffered to say goodbye to.  other things were a sad relief.  I won't go into it all but its been a rough road.  now, a new loss is  around the corner.  i cant say i didn't see it coming but i am blind-sided nonetheless.  our beautiful, sweet dog Maddie (aka The Moo) will be leaving us soon.  she has been a huge part of the family for 11 years.  how do you prepare to say goodbye?  how do you know when its time?  i can't imagine life without the moo under foot, snoring or begging for food.  i cant imagine life without that beautiful face with the big brown cow eyes.

Relationships

Its interesting, I've been thinking about this subject a lot in the past few days. Whether good or bad they don't ever stay the same. Parents, spouses, children, siblings, friends and even pets. Everyone is constantly changing, seeing things with their own reality. We all live in our own little worlds, allowing people in and pushing them out. Sometimes they leave on their own, sometimes they come back unexpectantly. Sometimes, they pass away but you still carry them around. I've lost so many people in the last few years. Some to death, some to anger or betrayal. But I've gained as much as I've lost and I need to make that my new reality.

New start

Today seems like a new start in a way. Today would have been my 23rd wedding anniversary. But, obviously,it's not. Instead of being in my room in my house, I'm in an apartment. My old bedroom no longer belongs to me. It's 10am and I'm lying in bed. The windows are open and a breeze is coming into the room with the sound of many birds singing their songs. I have my beautiful white cotton bedding and my old Hawaiian print quilt. And I'm happy here. Happier than I can remember being. I think I'm not just seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I think I'm standing in the light. It feels good.

Goodbye house

Its 12:14am. This is the day the title on our house changes to its new owners. Although we left on bad terms I still have many happy memories of the house. I remember how happy I was the day we signed the papers. I could hardly wait to move in. I remember a lot of good times, crazy laughter, holidays and birthdays. I remember bringing Maddie home from the shelter and the momentary regret as she backed a cat into the corner of the yard 5 minutes later. I remember my dad sitting at my kitchen table for the last time. Goodbye house. It was nice owning you.

almost a year later.....

my last post was close to a year ago.  so much has happened in that year.  major life changes.  most were traumatizing as they occurred, but now with distance, I see the good in the changes. I will probably take a few posts to catch you up, since i doubt you've settled in to read a novel today!  last year at this time I was still struggling with the loss of my dad on a daily basis.  that hasn't really changed.  a day has yet to pass that i don't shed at least a few tears.  maybe it will always be that way.  i don't know.
so i find myself living in a different place, without a husband.  the hamster has passed away and i seem to have misplaced some close friends.  the good news?  i love my new place, i am getting my business back on track after a 2 year derailment, i'm enjoying living MY life and have made some wonderful new friends.  when your life falls apart, its interesting to see who is still standing and who has fallen away.  i've learned alot.  i'm still confused about much more!  more later.....i've got work to do now!

A father's day - without

Today was a difficult day for me. My first father's day since he died. It also marks a year since the last time we had a conversation. I can't help but think of that last chat and the odd question he asked me. He asked at the end of it if I had anything else I wanted to talk about. I know that doesn't sound like much but it was very much out of character. Almost like he knew he'd soon be gone. Weird.